The Dresden Files: Twin Cities

ZERO HOUR: Bat People of the Great North!
by Citizen Zero

Welcome back, fellow Nulls, to another edition of the TRUTH! No time for fun, though, because we gotta spread the word about a growing danger in our little corner of the world.

Bat. People.

Pictured: Rad Artist's Interpretation

Hailing from darkness unknown, these Bat People, or Beople (not to be confused with Beeple, the peaceful agrarian explorers from the distant Honeycomb Galaxy) are a race of vicious nocturnal hemophages who feast on any prey slow enough to fall into their claws or foolish enough to fall sway to their hypnotic ultrasonic echolocation siren song. 

I can already read the haters posting in the comments section. "Really, Zero? Vampires? Have you finally cracked your dome?"

Pictured: NOT a Berson

Rest assured, fellow Nulls, my dome remains un-cracked. Longtime readers know I've already documented the truth about Succo Domesticis, or in layman's terms, the modern vampire.

CZ ARCHIVE: VAMPIRES: DANGEROUS, BUT SEXY (WORTH IT?)

No, the Beople are something much darker and deadlier, and moderately less alluring. Though capable of speech, Beople have no regard for society and no need for the Masquerade. They only hunger for our delicious and high-caloric Midwestern blood. They strike from darkness with inhuman speed and inhumane brutality. And they are among us.

Let's break down the stats: Beople run faster than an Olympic track star, and have reflexes ten times faster than the average human; each one can bench press a fully-loaded sedan, and its grip can bend cold steel; they are completely invisible in shadows and darkness, and have perfect night vision. Perhaps most dangerous, though, is their power over the weak-willed. Some Beople have honed their echolocation cry to hypnotize their prey. Thankfully, they usually need line of sight to use it effectively, or we might all be lining up at the chute.

So far, the attacks have been scattered in heavily urbanized areas, and always between the hours of 10pm and 3am. Police response has been slow, and in typical fashion, the Media is reporting the attacks as "mysterious disappearances." Disappearances they may be, but they wouldn't be a mystery if the Media dealt in the TRUTH!

But take heart, my Nulls, because we can keep safe if we keep smart. Beople seem to be less inclined to attack larger groups of humans, preferring classical predator tactics of picking off singular targets and smaller, weaker groups. Traveling in groups of five or more is a must. They also don't seem to like large bodies of water, as no confirmed Beople sightings have happened near lakes or rivers. They also don't seem to like churches and graveyards, a fact that makes the already-suspicious Big Religion even suspicious-ier. 

Pictured: Colluder/Secret Berson?

Beoples' ingrained nocturnal nature also forces them to rest during the day. I'm not sure yet what their capabilities are in the sunlight because none of my sources have encountered one during the day yet, but as soon as it happens, or once we find their nest, we'll be sure to update you all.

But until we know more, keep yourselves and your blood safe, fellow Nulls!

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ZERO HOUR: Light Pollution From Toth Industries
by Citizen Zero

What's up, Nulls? Citizen Zero here with another TRUTH bomb. And that metaphor has never been so apt, because today we're talking about the "mysterious" lights that took over the sky this spring.

CLICK HERE FOR VIDEO OF THE PILLARS OF LIGHT

The Media has fed us a slew of stories about these lights in the sky, and no two tales are the same. Sometimes it's a utility accident, like a five-point gas main failure; sometimes it's a prank played by grad students from the U of M; eight different terrorist organizations have tried to take credit, but not one of them can explain how they did it; we were even expected to believe that it was a mass hallucination brought on by a spring flu combined with heat stroke.

In 83 degree weather? Only if it's Celsius. And loyal followers of my blog already know that Celsius is conspiracy invented by Big Thermometer to double their sales.

CZ ARCHIVE: THERMOMETERS: A LIE BY ANY METRIC

No, fellow Nulls. The TRUTH is, there really is a culprit behind these mysterious lights, and he's much closer to home than you might think.

Confused? That old guy in the weird science-y rig is Doctor Egon Spiner, a scientist with advanced degrees in Theoretical and Particle Physics, Applied Mathematics, Microbiology, Organic Chemistry, and Art History. He's an accomplished researcher with publications in 38 respected journals over the last ten years alone, and has been a guest lecturer at multiple Ivy League institutions. But his latest accomplishment is being caught on film at three different locations where the pillars of light erupted, wearing extremely suspicious equipment and taking environmental readings.

Normally, I'd be all about science peeling back the layers of mystery and getting to the TRUTH. But the problem is, science is no longer under the purview of gentleman scholars practicing their research from the comfort of their zeppelins. Science belongs to The Man, and today that Man is named Toth Industries, for whom Doctor Spiner happens to work.

The Twin Cities-based company has been investigating their own handiwork in secret, taking readings at the affected sites from the suspiciousness of an unmarked van. Spiner has been skulking all over the Cities with his doodads, obviously researching the event (why else go to a Target when it's closed or to a third-rate lake that bans couples' swim when half of the couple is a body pillow in a clear garbage bag)? 

My prevailing theory is that Toth Industries is responsible for these events. They could be testing a new form of photonic urban warfare; recall that they were unveiling a holographic Prince performance as part of the Spring Fling Festival in downtown Minneapolis mere moments before the event occurred. In fact, their device was less than twenty yards away from the Target that exploded. And who was that construction team immediately on-hand to drive away any potential witnesses? Could they perhaps have been employed by…Toth Industries?

I'm still gathering proof right now, but remember, Nulls: proof is just the last component that turns theories into fact, and until then, those theories rely on the people who believe in them. So I'll keep believing, even while the Media tears us down, until the TRUTH finally comes to light.

That's all for now. Keep searching, Nulls, and I'll do the same! We'll get to the TRUTH one stray photon and creepy scientist at a time if we have to!

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ZERO HOUR: Riding Hogs, Eating Long Pig
by Citizen Zero

What’s up, my fellow Nulls? CZ is back to give you the straight dope that the Man and the Media keeps hidden in their Truth Stash. And they’re holding tighter than ever before, because today’s blog is all about how their jackbooted thugs wound up on the dinner table.

Everybody’s seen the press about those patrol officers who were “savaged” by a “roving biker gang.” And yeah, Media actually got a few details right for a change. But they’re holding back a few key pieces of information…or should I say “bites” of information?

TRIGGER WARNING! GRAPHIC LINK! EXCLUSIVE AUTOPSY REPORTS!

Careful with the link above, because it’s one-of-a-kind charts and photos from the autopsy of the two cops who got mauled by this supposed biker gang. Notice anything interesting about them? Like maybe the clear bite marks? Like this gang ritually sharpened their teeth and consumed the forbidden flesh, possibly to absorb the power and traits of their victims???

That’s right, this CANNIBAL BIKER GANG swung through the city and made a meal of two cops like they were making a pit stop off the highway. The evidence is right there, being covered up (as usual) because the Man can’t handle the fact that his thugs are no longer the toughest thing around.

Now, you all know me. Normally I’m the first one to say “Eff the Police,” but this is really messed up. Nobody deserves to be eaten for doing a job, even if that job is keeping the truth hidden from the people they’re supposed to protect. And that’s what’s even more messed up: that the Man thinks they can cover this up like leftovers and stuff it in the back of the fridge. Too bad for them, I’m only hungry for one thing: THE TRUTH.

City Hall is just lucky those freak bikers managed to burn themselves down in that ramshackle strip club, or else there would be even more half-eaten people to cover up. You can’t hide THE TRUTH behind a fancy Basilica funeral and pretty speeches, or this new so-called task force (more Stormtrooper thugs!).

That’s all for now. Keep asking questions, Nulls!

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